This guest piece was written by Jay Stringer, LMHC, a researcher and licensed therapist. 3-minute read.
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Disarming the Power of Shame
by Jay Stringer, LMHC
Shame is the painful feeling that tells us that something about us is unwanted or unworthy of love or belonging.
Shame is experienced most acutely when we are seen by the eyes of another. We’ve all had those moments where something we attempted to keep hidden about ourselves was exposed. Our face might become red, our bodies warm-up, we avoid eye contact, our stomach drops, and we become watchful.
While we tend to think watching pornography will influence us to experience shame, the reverse is also true. The more we experience shame, the more we will be drawn to pornography. Although men and women do pursue compulsive sexual choices for pleasure and their corresponding neurochemicals, it’s worth considering that we can also pursue them for the purpose of self-condemnation.
All of us know the experiences in life where we feel shame, but rather than turning toward love or self-care, we turn toward behavior or a substance that we know will amplify the toxic inner critic’s voice.
One of the most enjoyable interviews I’ve read in recent years came from an interview with Andy Casagrande, the cameraman from Discovery Channel’s notorious show Shark Week. Casagrande was asked what in the world he does when a great white shark is swimming at him. He answered that he must do something counterintuitive: swim directly at the shark with the camera.
This action seems to trigger a defense mechanism in the shark. “Now they’re like, ‘Wait a second, everything in the ocean swims away from me.’ The reality is that if you don’t act like prey, they won’t treat you like prey.”
Casagrande’s statement has a lot to teach us about disarming the power of shame: We should face it.
Watch: Jay Stringer, LMHC, Uncovers How We Can Fight Shame
Most of us attempt to run from shame. The main problem is that the more we run, the stronger it becomes.
Here’s why: running from shame legitimizes its messages about us. Its accusations about how ugly we are, how damaged we are, and how we will never change, feel more and more true with every attempt we make to escape them.
Shame carries with it an open and shut case of evidence to prove its claims. It meticulously documents every one of our choices and flaws and stands ready to offer us that inventory anytime we fear being exposed, or worse, anytime we attempt to change.
Here are three ways we can begin to disarm the power of shame:
1. Be kind.
Devoid of care, our sexual stories do not change. Turning to face our shame with kindness disarms its paralyzing power. The more we hate ourselves, the more we tend to seek out behaviors that reinforce our negative core beliefs. In extending kindness, however, we allow the parts of our story that we despise to become whole.
2. Be curious.
The sexual shame we experience and the sexual themes that arouse us may have important clues to tell us about our story and our path to healing.
Additionally, compulsive sexual behavior can be a re-enactment of childhood sexual abuse. Sadly, attempting to stop porn use gets all the attention at the cost of healing the emotional pain that drives pornography use, to begin with.
3. Be brave.
At the height of our shame, we often conclude that the truth of our behavior is a barrier to being loved. Confronting our choices and allowing a trusted ally or professional counselor to know our story allows shame to become a bridge to connection.
Confronting our choices and journeying with others isn’t just effective at curbing pornography use, it’s an important muscle to grow in all areas of our life.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
Fight the New Drug may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.
About the Author
Jay Stringer, LMHC, is a licensed mental health counselor from New York, NY. He is the author of Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, a book is based on a research study he completed on over 3,800 men and women exploring the key drivers of pornography use. He’s also the creator of the Unwanted Sexual Behavior Self-Assessment that guides individuals to connect the dots between their story and their porn use. To learn more about Jay, visit his website: jay-stringer.com.
Listen to Jay’s interview on Consider Before Consuming, a podcast by Fight the New Drug.
Your Support Matters Now More Than Ever
Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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