fbpx Skip to main content

How Avoiding Shame Can Help Partners Who are Healing From Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma is a real thing, and it looks different for each person. Most people feel heartbroken and go through a mourning process. The lies and broken trust are often what hurt the most.

By January 6, 2023No Comments

This article contains affiliate links. Fight the New Drug may receive financial support from purchases made using affiliate links.

While this article discusses the effect of porn on women in heterosexual relationships, women can struggle with porn, too, and porn can affect relationships involving partners of any gender.

Discovering your significant other has been consuming porn can emphasize and reinforce negative thoughts you’ve already internalized, like:

“I’m not skinny or sexy enough.”

“I have to live up to what other performers look or act like in order for someone to want me.”

“My partner has been looking outside of our relationship for sexual gratification, and it must be my fault.”

This isn’t just the case for women but for men who discover their partner’s porn habit, too.

Related: Why Having a Porn Habit Isn’t Just a Personal Thing

Feelings of shame and self-degradation—whether from one’s own internal dialogue or imposed by someone else—can be a huge speed bump in the healing process for both porn consumers and their hurt partners.

Partners: Avoid shaming yourself

If you found out your partner consumes porn, you may have experienced feelings of intense anger, hopelessness, fear, isolation, or anxiety coupled with debilitating flashbacks, withdrawal from people or things you once loved, and even headaches or nausea. You may also lack feelings of safety or security. In short, you may be suffering from a version of PTSD called “betrayal trauma.”

These feelings do not mean you’re weak. There’s a reason it’s called trauma, and there’s actually a scientific explanation for what you’re going through.

Related: The Science of Betrayal: The Emotional Trauma of Having a Porn-Addicted Partner

Conversation Blueprint

Betrayal trauma is a real thing, and it looks different for each person. Most people feel they’ve been cheated on and go through a mourning process. The lies and broken trust are often what hurt the most.

For some, finding out about a partner’s porn habit can blindside them. Others may notice warning signs prior to disclosure that contributed to the trauma—like their partner withdrawing sexually or becoming increasingly critical of their appearance. Some experience a lack of intimacy, commitment, or some form of sexual dysfunction in their partner.

It’s normal to try to make sense of what has happened or question what you could or should have done differently. But whatever the circumstances of your unique story, remember that your partner’s porn habit is not your fault, and is not a reflection of your value as a partner.

Related: How My Husband’s Porn Fantasy Obsession Led Him to Be Disgusted With My Body

While it’s normal to question yourself, your relationship, or wonder if you being “not enough” or “too much” in certain categories might have contributed to their porn habit, these factors are not why your partner turned to porn.

While you can be supportive throughout the healing process if you want to continue with the relationship, it’s also important to know that their recovery isn’t your responsibility, either. Those steps are really up to your partner—their choice, their effort, and their commitment when provided with access to helpful resources.

BHW - General

Avoid shaming your partner—whether or not you choose to stay

Just as there’s a scientific explanation for the trauma you’re experiencing, there’s also one for the impact porn has on your partner.

Even though this issue affects you directly and deeply, it’s likely a problem that started long before you were in the picture—possibly when your partner was a child. There are a lot of reasons people turn to porn, and they aren’t always sexual.

Related: Why We Both Chose to Work Through Issues Porn Fueled in Our Relationship

For example, an addiction or compulsion could have started forming in their younger years when their natural sexual curiosity was hijacked by unsolicited exposure to porn. These habits could have continued as a means to cope with their own past trauma, feelings of depression, anxiety, stress, boredom, or insecurity.

Instead of inflicting shame on your partner in exchange for the pain their habit has caused you, it can help to learn the science behind how porn has affected their brain and possibly their ability to bond with you emotionally or sexually in a healthy way.

Bitterness gets in the way of your recovery and theirs, and shame is counter-productive in the recovery process—whether you decide it’s best for you to stay in the relationship or not.

Related: How Discovering My Partner’s Porn Secret Pushed Us to Fight For Our Marriage

Healing in a healthy way—without shame

Your partner’s porn habit doesn’t define your worth as a human being or as a partner in a relationship—and it doesn’t have to define theirs, either.

Shaming those who watch pornography—and partners shaming themselves—only makes this complex issue worse and puts up barriers to loving connections that are necessary for recovery.

We continually encourage couples to make decisions about their relationship that are best for them.

Related: 4 Ways to Support Yourself & Your Partner Through a Struggle With Porn

Sometimes, that choice is to go their separate ways, and sometimes, that choice is to stay and support each other through the struggles porn brings. It all depends on the couple, and we respect the decisions people make for themselves. There’s no “correct” answer, seeing as every relationship is different.

Forgiveness doesn’t obligate you to excuse your partner’s behavior or stay in an unhealthy situation—but it can help both of you move forward and heal.


Help for partners

If your partner is struggling with porn, you are not alone—know that there is hope, and there is help. As you navigate this difficult situation, there are supportive communities and resources available to you. Below is a non-exhaustive list of several resources for those experiencing hurt because of their partner's porn consumption. Note that this isn't a complete resource list.

Bloom    Addo Recovery

Disclaimer: For those who may find themselves involved in this sensitive situation, their responses can differ. This is why resources need to fit the specific needs of whoever is seeking them. Some of these resources are gender-specific, others are religiously-affiliated, others use a variety of approaches. Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative awareness and education organization hoping to provide access to resources that are helpful to those who need support. Including this list of recommendations does not constitute an endorsement by Fight the New Drug.

If this article inspired you to have a conversation with your partner or someone else about porn, check out our step-by-step interactive conversation guide, Let’s Talk About Porn, for tips.

Support this resource

Thanks for reading our article! Fight the New Drug is a registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit, which means the educational resources we create are made possible through donations from people like you. Join Fighter Club for as little as $10/month and help us educate on the harms of porn!