Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.
Often, porn consumers will turn to harder, more extreme material over time to achieve the same high as before. We recently received a story from a Fighter whose partner’s porn obsession escalated to buying sex. While no amount of porn is healthy, it is not Fight the New Drug’s intention to say that every porn struggle will advance into this territory.
Hello FTND,
I’ve been following this movement for a while and feel super connected to your message as it is very close to my heart. I wanted to share part of my journey, and if you think it would be helpful feel free to use it (but please do so anonymously).
I personally have never been addicted/attracted to porn or the idea of it. I’ve been involved in anti-trafficking awareness and done a lot of research into porn and the effects it has on the brain, in relationships, and in lives. This story isn’t directly about me though.
I met the perfect guy almost three years ago. We’d been friends for a while, but suddenly everything changed and I saw him in a new light. We begun dating, he came on trips with my family, and I was really happy. He knew about my passionate heart for trafficked people and my hate towards pornography. (From shop catalogs to pornographic films; porn is SATURATED in today’s world!) He encouraged me in my passions and dreams, lifted me up and supported me through all sorts.
Related: Porn & Pop Culture: How Society Is Becoming More “Pornified”
About four months into our relationship, he told me he used to be addicted to pornography, but that he didn’t watch it anymore. I was shocked, hurt, but convinced that it was in the past. Nevertheless, I made sure I was more alert to things he did or said. Sure enough, things started popping up. At first, he would ask me to Google something and I’d see it when I searched, or it would still be open on a different page. This grew once I began asking him about it; more cover-ups and lies. But by now I could pick it.
The fact that he needed to be watching this to “escape” his reality was confusing to me, and I wanted to help him. That excuse changed into “I watch it because I can’t be with you [sexually].” Soon enough many of my tight, no-budge boundaries were slowly moved as I tried everything I could think of to save him from this cycle that I could see was destroying him. I am so so grateful that I did not give myself entirely to him, as I feel the betrayal would feel 10000x worse.
Looking back, I now know that he did nothing to help me, nothing to help himself. He didn’t see the need to change, nor did he want to.
Related: True Story: The Father Of My Son Chose Porn Over His Family
We continued in this relationship. He gained a lot of respect from various people, including my parents. Everyone loved him, including me. Everyone was blind to what was happening… including me.
I didn’t tell anyone, insisting that it was his story to share. On the outside, I was tense, suspicious, nervous and snappy. Inside, my heart was breaking and I knew it was worse.
Worse it was.
My Prince Charming was sleeping with prostituted women and going to illegal massage parlors for “extras.” He was going over 3 times a week, wasting his savings, time, and energy and he knew I knew he was lying. To protect himself he would put guilt on me, saying that I was too suspicious and that if I was thinking he was being unfaithful then I must be unfaithful too… all kinds of lies that went straight into my heart and shattered whatever was left. He eventually told me the partial truth, and I soon found out the rest.
His addiction to pornography wasn’t enough to satisfy him. He had to take it to the next level where physical, real women were involved outside of a screen.
It’s been just under 3 years, and he got found out. I stood by him for so long, thinking that I was being loyal and showing love, hoping that he would one day be able to reciprocate that! He had been promising engagement and marriage for around 6 months, and I had our future planned out. I gave that man my heart and everything in it.
I have since broken up with him as I cannot heal my heart or continue to be with him while this behavior destroys my life and kills our love (or whatever is left of it). But I still have scars and always will. Because of his addiction and the things he did and said to reflect blame, I believed lies about myself and have seriously struggled getting myself to a place where I am sure of who I am and can shrug off the untruths. I let myself dream about the future with someone who cared only for his own desires. He is now getting help far from me, but I’ve been left to pick up the pieces…and I feel like that is literally all I have. Pieces.
Porn kills love. It grows and deceives and twists and distorts and destroys innocence, loyalty, trust, hope, and love. But I will fight it, and do whatever I can to stop others falling into the same hole.
–F.
Why this matters
Not everyone who watches porn will automatically become a sex buyer, while we cannot ignore the research that shows males who go to prostituted persons are twice as likely to have consumed porn in the last year compared to the general population. It’s also not surprising that when these customers show up, many come ready with porn images in hand to show the women, men, boys or girls they’re exploiting what they want to do.
Related: I Realized Porn Is Tied To Exploitation, And That Was My First Step To Ditching It
Porn is an escalating behavior because as some users develop tolerance, the porn that used to excite them starts to seem boring. [1] Predictably, they often try to compensate by spending more time with porn and/or seeking out more hardcore material in an effort to regain the excitement they used to feel. [2] Many users find themes of aggression, violence, and increasingly “edgy” acts creeping into their porn habits and fantasies. [3] But no matter how shocking their tastes become, you can bet there will be pornographers waiting to sell it to them.
The good news is, there is hope for anyone who may feel their porn habit is getting out of control and consuming their life. Click here to learn more about recovery options, and how anyone can fight for freedom, instead.
Citations
[1] Park, B. Y., Et Al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review With Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6, 17. Doi:10.3390/Bs6030017; Kalman, T.P. (2008). Clinical Encounters With Internet Pornography. Journal Of The American Academy Of Psychoanalysis And Dynamic Psychiatry, 36(4) 593-618. Doi:10.1521/Jaap.2008.36.4.593
[2] Park, B. Y., Et Al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review With Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6, 17. Doi:10.3390/Bs6030017; Kalman, T.P. (2008). Clinical Encounters With Internet Pornography. Journal Of The American Academy Of Psychoanalysis And Dynamic Psychiatry, 36(4) 593-618. Doi:10.1521/Jaap.2008.36.4.593
[3] Park, B. Y., Et Al. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review With Clinical Reports. Behavioral Sciences, 6, 17. Doi:10.3390/Bs6030017; Kalman, T.P. (2008). Clinical Encounters With Internet Pornography. Journal Of The American Academy Of Psychoanalysis And Dynamic Psychiatry, 36(4) 593-618. Doi:10.1521/Jaap.2008.36.4.593
Your Support Matters Now More Than Ever
Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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