In the throes of a pornography struggle, it’s easy to think that if your life would just change your habits would also change.
Common phrases like these might sound familiar: “Once I’m married, then I’ll get over this.” “If I just had more intimacy, then I could quit.”
But in reality, changing our circumstances often doesn’t change our struggles. To find lasting freedom, we need a strong support system — we need to move from isolation to connection.
This true story from Nathan (name changed), a Relay member, shows how even marrying the object of your fantasies won’t end your struggle with porn, it won’t curb the isolation and shame; only a strong support system can.
Even being with a porn performer, I still needed porn
The following story is shared with permission.
My journey with porn really began with the introduction of the internet. Around the age of 20, I discovered that I was drawn to a particular [porn] niche, nothing crazy or extreme. But feeling alone in the world, it was great to find that others were also interested in what I was. I started to consume more content and explore what was out there.
As time went on and the internet grew, I became almost obsessed with surfing for porn. I’d sit for hours and hours surfing; there were days I’d sit in front of the computer for 12-15 hours — it got really out of control.
Eventually, I became friends with a web model. I was her number one fan; I subscribed to her site, and I paid for live cam shows with her and other models. I spent hundreds of dollars a year on pay-per-view content and subscription sites while my first marriage fell apart.
The impact of porn on relationships
This is where my story takes a slightly positive turn: I began a long-distance relationship with my online friend, the webgirl. We met in person, and we flew to visit each other a few times a year; soon after we started dating, she stopped modeling and worked to get almost all of her images removed from the net. And eventually, we got married, and I moved to live with her.
(My situation is very rare, and these types of relationships almost never work out.)
Moving forward, I figured she knew who and what I was; my interest in surfing porn shouldn’t be an issue or a surprise, but I was very wrong.
Porn still dragged me down
My porn use was hurting her; she’d get upset with me, I’d tell her I’d stop, and I would for a little while, then I’d get bored or curious and go right back to looking.
She’d catch me, and a fight would ensue — I’d stop, then I’d slip again and rinse and repeat.
The fights would get more intense. She’d get more upset, and I’d promise to stop each time, but I’d always fall right back into the same habits.
Then she found Relay and suggested I join.
Finding connection changed me
Relay is a recovery program focused on connection. The daily check-ins [with my support group] have been huge — having others available to open up to is great. And seeing the progress updates from others also helps keep me on track.
I’m not perfect, but I am currently sitting at a 12-week streak! Relay has helped me almost completely overcome my addiction.
-Nathan
The power of connection
A strong support system — a deep connection with others — is key to overcoming compulsive pornography use. That was true for Nathan, and it’s true for you too.
Making change is possible. Recovery won’t come when your spouse or partner decides to treat you differently or when you find the person of your dreams.
To achieve the freedom that you want, you need to create strong connections to find a support system of others who understand your struggle and can help you on your journey to recovery.
If you’re looking for this hope and freedom that Nathan experienced, try out Relay.
Introducing Relay
Relay is the #1 group-based pornography recovery program; it helps you instantly find a strong accountability group of others who understand your struggle.
When you download the Relay app, you’ll be matched with a team of peers working to overcome porn habits, and Relay will help you track and share your progress with them daily through a private group chat and other digital tools.
Before you know it, 5-8 “strangers” will become your best friends in recovery.
Is Relay for me?
If you feel alone in your recovery journey, Relay is for you.
Whether this is your first time trying to make a change or you’ve spent ten years in therapy, Relay will match you with a team of people who understand your unique struggle. Relay has groups for young or old, male or female, faith-based or secular, at all stages in the recovery journey.
Chandler Rogers, the founder of Relay, built the program to help himself escape isolation in his recovery. Check out his episode on the Consider Before Consuming podcast to learn more about his story.
How does Relay Work?
Once you create an account in the app and complete a reflection survey, the program will match you with a team of peers, and you’ll walk through a few lessons to learn more about the program and how to use its app.
Then, you’ll be connected to your team’s private group chat, where you can anonymously and openly share your struggles. No one will see your contact information or name unless you share it, and there are no live group sessions, so you don’t need to turn on your camera or show up to a meeting.
Relay will also help you create a personalized plan for your needs and goals. As you go, Relay learns your recovery patterns and finds insights to help you improve your plan.
A few of Relay’s unique features include:
– Check-ins — You’ll walk through a guided reflection each day to help you track your progress in recovery, report on your personal goals, and share your feelings.
– Stories — Like “Instagram Stories,” you can scroll through and see updates from your team members on their daily recovery journey. These are created automatically as you complete your check-in!
– Red flag — When you’re feeling triggered, you can reach out to your team with the tap of a button and walk through a recentering exercise to help you renew your motivation to overcome compulsive behavior.
– Journaling — “conversation prompts,” sharing your progress with a supporter, and more.
How can I find connection in a Relay group?
Learn more and get started for free here.
Connection is the true key to overcoming unwanted pornography use; even fantasies coming true can’t compete with the healing power of connection, as we see in Nathan’s story. You don’t need to wait to overcome unwanted pornography use until you’re married, until you have more intimacy until your stress goes away — you can change your habits now by finding a solid support system through Relay. If you’ve been struggling alone and you need that support, try joining a Relay recovery group and see how the power of connection will change your life.
Your Support Matters Now More Than Ever
Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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