Fantasy can be fun. It’s why Marvel movies are such big hits, right?
People love imagining these different worlds and experiences, jumping into them as if they are our own for a few hours. But beyond fantasy as a genre, humans also have a healthy appetite for sexual fantasy.
Is it normal to fantasize…sexually?
Sexual fantasies are normal to have. A less embarrassing example could be your first celebrity crush. You probably daydreamed about what it would be like to meet that person, knowing full well it would likely never happen. But still, it was exciting to think about.
Healthy fantasy plays an important part in our lives, igniting interest or desire and pushing us to invest in relationships. It can be helpful in relationships to build anticipation to keep a relationship exciting or flagging areas where the relationship may need some work.
But then you might often hear the argument that “porn is a fantasy,” and that’s what makes it acceptable and healthy. But is it as healthy as daydreaming or fantasizing about what your relationship will be like five years from now?
By saying porn is a “fantasy,” we mean that it’s clearly not attainable reality—even though it shows real, often abusive, scenarios—and it normalizes some pretty toxic and dangerous ideas. Porn ultimately shows damaging ideas that have the power to shape and influence a person’s understanding of sex.
Here’s what we mean.
Fantasy is a clue to your psyche
Your own sexual fantasies can reveal a lot about yourself. There’s a need for more research to better understand just how much we can tell, but here’s what we do know:
Fantasies can give clues about the health of a couple’s relationship. Fantasizing healthfully about your partner has been shown to not only contribute to the desire to have sex with that partner but also to engage in other relationship-promoting behaviors. Fantasizing about another person besides your partner every time you both are being intimate suggests something is missing or not being satisfied.
Related: 6 Ways Ditching Porn Can Improve Your Dating Game
Besides the previous example, how the content of a person’s’ fantasies affects their sexuality and relationships is still up for debate. The actual fantasy itself may not be abnormal, but it seems clear that the frequency of a toxic fantasy—like fantasies involving violence, nonconsensual actions, and abuse or assault—may be the first indication of an issue. For example, child abusers and serial rapists report a high frequency of their sexual fantasies. But still, a fantasy doesn’t guarantee a sexual preference or the likelihood of acting it out.
All of this goes to say the act of fantasizing is normal, but it’s still something that needs to be kept respectful of partners, right? Which brings us to how porn plays a part.
Porn and fantasy
When we say that porn is a fantasy, we are pointing out that porn is an airbrushed, exaggerated version of reality.
For kids who encounter porn early, perhaps before they’ve learned about sex in a safe setting like school or talked with their parents, porn becomes a main teacher and “teaches” them what to fantasize about. But here’s the problem with porn, fantasy, and kids—porn doesn’t have a fine print explaining that the film is not an accurate, healthy portrayal of normal, everyday sexual experiences. And porn often shows abuse toward women, nonconsensual behavior, and degrading or dangerous sex acts.
Besides all of the harmful things porn shows, think about what it doesn’t show: healthy and safe sex with talking, cuddling, and bonding touch, and conversations about consent. And this is how so many people were introduced to the concept of sex, and it’s what many people base their sexual expectations on.
Related: Tips To Quit: What Sleep, Food, And Exercise Have To Do With Ditching Porn
The difference between porn and those hit fantasy franchises is that your brain on porn is aroused and in an ideal state to learn and remember what it’s absorbing, which makes porn a perfect teacher—unlike watching Marvel films. While the country of Wakanda is a tragically impossible reality that the viewer clearly understands as a fantastical story, porn sells the fantasy of real people performing extreme sex and acting out extremely degrading themes, which have sadly become reality all too often.
Porn takes normal fantasy, and kicks it up to the extreme. Not to mention that porn is often connected with coercion, force, and fraud—or, sex trafficking. You can never truly know if you’re viewing a victim of sexual assault or sex trafficking.
Is reality better than fantasy?
When we say reality is better, we mean that building and creating a relationship of your own with a real person is better, not getting lost in scripted and overly-produced fantasies on a screen. It’s important to build up sexual intimacy with a partner if both of you are ready and willing, and talking with them and dreaming with them about new and different ways to be physical together can be an exciting part of that.
But porn? That’s clearly something completely different that thrives on degradation, inequality, and unattainable fantasy.
Related: True Story: I Stopped Watching Porn, And I’ve Never Been Happier
Sociologist Dr. Michael Kimmel has found that particularly men’s sexual fantasies have become heavily influenced by porn. Remember how we were saying that the frequency is a proven concern with fantasy? Porn is a habit builder, drawing a consumer in to crave more, watch more, and then seek more hardcore material. Now when a person fantasizes, they often think of porn performers and unrealistic scenarios they’ve seen instead of something they created for themselves based on their natural desires.
See? The problem is that porn is not only a toxic fantasy, but toxic to fantasy. It’s a shortcut—no need to use your imagination because it’s right there on the screen in front of you, imagining for you.
Need help?
For those reading this who feel they are struggling with pornography, you are not alone. Check out Fortify, a science-based recovery platform dedicated to helping you find lasting freedom from pornography. Fortify now offers a free experience for both teens and adults. Connect with others, learn about your unwanted porn habit, and track your recovery journey. There is hope—sign up today.
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Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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