Many people contact Fight the New Drug to share their personal stories about how porn has affected their life or the life of a loved one. We consider these personal accounts very valuable because, while the science and research is powerful within its own right, personal accounts from real people seem to really hit home about the damage that pornography does to real lives.
We recently received this true story from a woman who experienced hurt in her relationship due to her husband's warped perception of sex that he learned from watching porn. What is made to look fun and pleasurable in porn is usually demeaning and humiliating in real life. Some stories, like this one, show how porn shows an unrealistic and often negative portrayal of sex that can harm an intimate relationship.
FTND,
I wanted to share my story of how porn affected my relationship with my husband. Feel free to share it if you think it would be helpful, but please share it anonymously.
My husband and I got married right out of college after dating for a few years. We’d both waited until marriage for sex, which was very important to both of us. I was happy that when we got married we would each be the other’s first and only partner, which meant there would be no prior expectations and neither of us would have to compare ourselves to any previous partners.
Related: What You Won’t See On Porn Sites: Where To Go For The Best Sex Tips
Not long after we got married, we were having sex when, out of nowhere, he spit on me.
I didn’t know how to react.
He was embarrassed when he saw that he wasn’t getting the reaction he was expecting. Still not knowing what to do, I jokingly asked what he’d been watching, referring to porn. At least, I thought it was a joke. I knew he’d watched porn off and on as a young teen before we’d met, but I hadn’t imagined he’d been watching it during our relationship.
When I found out he had been watching porn while we were dating and before we got married, he tried to assure me he hadn’t watched it since we got married. It still hurt so much. We were both waiting for marriage, and it had taken a lot of self-control for me. I assumed he was exercising the same self-control. I didn’t think that while we were together he would be watching other women.
Not only had he been watching other women, but what he’d seen had created unrealistic expectations for what sex would be like. He saw people do things to each other and get certain reactions, and assumed they’d transfer into real life. When they didn’t, his secret was exposed and what he thought had been a harmless release of tension ended up being damaging to our relationship.
Related: Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Porn
We’ve talked about it and I’ve forgiven him. We’ve moved on, but now I’m left with the nagging worry that I’m not enough. If I’m not feeling up to sex or if either of us travels for work and can’t be together for a while, will he turn back to porn?
Even occasional, casual porn consumption can absolutely cause damage to what is supposed to be a lifelong relationship. I want people to know that what they think is a harmless video could cause so much pain for the person they love.
-T.
Why This Matters
Unfortunately, this woman is not alone, and neither is her husband.
For years, porn has been marketed as a product that can give consumers sex tips, and bring an extra spark into the consumer’s sex life. As it turns out, the opposite is actually true.
Research shows how porn damages relationships and provides sex education that is seriously flawed and unhealthy. And even if consumers aren’t watching porn specifically to learn about sex, they’re still absorbing the ideas porn sells about physical connections and interactions.
Related: Can Porn Improve An Intimate Relationship?
Relationships are built on love, trust, understanding, and care; porn is built on degradation, humiliation, and unrealistic fantasy. There’s no way for the average porn consumer to know this, though, because it’s not like there’s a warning label on porn that reminds the consumer how different real-life sex is from what’s seen in porn.
Stories like this are exactly why fighting for love is so important. Each of us deserves better than being influenced by the selfish and demeaning portrayals of sex in porn. Genuine, authentic intimacy with someone you love is the sexiest thing out there. Real love is sexier than any pixels on a screen could ever be.
Your Support Matters Now More Than Ever
Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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