It’s one of the most devastating sentences a person can say in a relationship: “I feel like I don’t even know who you are.”
When a partner discovers their significant other has been hiding a pornography habit, the emotional fallout can feel like the ground has fallen away beneath them. For many, this isn’t just hurt—it’s betrayal trauma.
“Porn created a huge void in my marriage. . . Over time, we lost all intimacy, and I was even turned down by him continuously when I would make a move. He no longer had use for me, all his fulfillment came from porn and he was completely desensitized”
– Emily
“You ever get news that’s absolutely gut-wrenching? Soul crushing? I went to his pictures one day to see if he saved all of the pictures I sent him. Instead of seeing all of the pictures of myself, there were tons of pictures of other females. I was confused, heartbroken, disappointed, confused, and a multitude of other emotions. My entire future I had dreamt up for us came crashing down in that moment.”
-Sam
“In the summer of 2019, I got the worst text of my life right after we had spent a beautiful family day at the watering hole in Santa Cruz.
The text was confirmation of my husband’s secret porn addictednlife. In one moment, my entire world crumbled. I was a mom of 2 young children at this time. The text that I received was evidence of his double life. .. It took days for my husband to come clean of the years of use of porn and duality. When he finally took steps to heal, I became crushed. While he got relief, I was broken.”
-Elizabeth
We hear from individuals just like Emily, Sam and Elizabeth worldwide who have experienced this type of porn related betrayal trama. To understand the issue further, we spoke with Dr. Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., to discuss the complex issue.
Fight the New Drug interviewed Dr. Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., to discuss the complex issue of betrayal trauma.
What Is Betrayal Trauma?
Dr. Eddie Capparucci is a licensed therapist and creator of the Inner Child Model, and mentions how betrayal trauma is much more than a buzzword. It’s a very real, often misunderstood form of emotional injury. It happens when someone trusted—a spouse, a partner—violates that trust in deeply personal ways, often in secret. In the case of pornography use, the betrayal isn’t always about the behavior itself. It’s about deception, secrecy, and the emotional distance it creates.
“When we talk about betrayal trauma, especially regarding pornography,” Dr. Capparucci explains, “we’re talking about a kind of abuse. It’s the shattering of dreams. It’s the realization that what a person thought they had really wasn’t what they had.”
The Hidden Wounds Beneath the Betrayal Trauma
So why do some people stay stuck in that pain for years—or even decades?
Dr. Capparucci points to something deeper: past wounds. “What we often find,” he says, “is that people who remain stuck in betrayal trauma have experienced previous betrayals. The current trauma acts as a magnifier.” The brain doesn’t isolate these experiences. Emotional pain from the past, especially when unresolved, tends to reawaken when new pain appears.
This can lead betrayed partners into a feedback loop of emotional confusion and hopelessness. And unfortunately, shame can complicate recovery even further. We know the devastating impacts of shame—not guilt—fuels problematic sexual behavior, including porn consumption, which only intensifies the cycle of hurt and secrecy (Gilliland et al., 2011).
Betrayal Trauma & Reconnecting With the “Inner Child”
To help both those who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors and the partners they’ve hurt, Dr. Capparucci developed the Inner Child Model. It starts with a simple but profound truth: unresolved childhood wounds affect our adult relationships.
For betrayed partners, this might mean unearthing painful questions from the past: “Am I good enough?” “Am I lovable?” “Will someone really protect my heart?” These are not adult thoughts—they are the voice of the inner child, crying out in the midst of adult devastation.
Healing starts by learning to recognize that voice—and then responding to it not with blame or shame, but with compassion and truth. “You have to start looking at life through the eyes of an adult, not the terrified eyes of your inner child,” Dr. Capparucci says. “That inner child is scared, but now, as an adult, you can guide them.”
Encouraging Recovery Without Shame
Partners often ask: “How can I encourage my significant other to seek help without seeming controlling or judgmental?”
Dr. Capparucci encourages a posture of curiosity and vulnerability. Rather than saying, “You need to fix this,” a partner might say, “What are you learning about yourself?” or “What’s helping you understand why this behavior began?” These are not just questions—they’re invitations. And they create space for growth without shame.
In fact, research shows that open, nonjudgmental dialogue is more likely to foster lasting behavioral change than condemnation or secrecy (Young, 2013).
Real Hope for Real Pain
It’s easy to feel trapped in betrayal trauma. Many describe it as a “fog” or emotional paralysis. But healing is possible—and it begins by confronting the painful emotions with truth.
“We can help you get yourself back,” Dr. Capparucci reassures. “But to do that, you have to walk forward as the adult in the room. The inner child is always going to carry fear, but you can guide her now. You can bring her healing.”
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting the betrayal. It means remembering who you are, even in the aftermath.
Sources
Gilliland, R., South, M., Carpenter, B. N., & Hardy, S. A. (2011). The roles of shame and guilt in hypersexual behavior. Journal of Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 18(1), 12–29. https://doi.org/10.1080/10720162.2011.551182
Young, K. S. (2013). Treatment outcomes using CBT-IA with Internet-addicted patients. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 2(4), 209–215. https://doi.org/10.1556/JBA.2.2013.4.3
Your Support Matters Now More Than Ever
Most kids today are exposed to porn by the age of 12. By the time they’re teenagers, 75% of boys and 70% of girls have already viewed itRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy —often before they’ve had a single healthy conversation about it.
Even more concerning: over half of boys and nearly 40% of girls believe porn is a realistic depiction of sexMartellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J. R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M. A. H. (2016). “I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it”: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people. Middlesex University, NSPCC, & Office of the Children’s Commissioner.Copy . And among teens who have seen porn, more than 79% of teens use it to learn how to have sexRobb, M.B., & Mann, S. (2023). Teens and pornography. San Francisco, CA: Common Sense.Copy . That means millions of young people are getting sex ed from violent, degrading content, which becomes their baseline understanding of intimacy. Out of the most popular porn, 33%-88% of videos contain physical aggression and nonconsensual violence-related themesFritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A descriptive analysis of the types, targets, and relative frequency of aggression in mainstream pornography. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 3041-3053. doi:10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy Bridges et al., 2010, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography Videos: A Content Analysis,” Violence Against Women.Copy .
From increasing rates of loneliness, depression, and self-doubt, to distorted views of sex, reduced relationship satisfaction, and riskier sexual behavior among teens, porn is impacting individuals, relationships, and society worldwideFight the New Drug. (2024, May). Get the Facts (Series of web articles). Fight the New Drug.Copy .
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