Watching Porn Taught Me to Focus Only on My Own Sexual Pleasure

When I was about five or six years of age, my brothers introduced me to pictures of topless women. I initially thought it was revolting, but the powerful pictures and feelings of attraction they aroused had a lasting impact on me.

Gradually, my brothers introduced me to fully nude pictures of women who appeared to be inviting me, someone whom they had never met, to have sexual relations with them.

This was how I was introduced to the concept of human sexual “intimacy”—there was no mention that the woman had any feelings because the most important thing was that I, as a male (aged six or seven at this point), was stimulated and sexually satisfied.

Related: One-Sided Orgasms: Porn Sites’ Popular Videos Don’t Show Mutual Pleasure

I was also taught the concept of rape by my mother at this tender age, once again with no mention that a woman’s body could feel any pleasure from sexual relations.

I knew rape was wrong due to a lack of consent from the victim, but I also did not know that it was the ultimate perversion of a relationship that should otherwise bring mutual physical pleasure to both participants.

I found myself getting obsessed with pornography, so in my teenage years, I worked to kick this toxic habit.

Eventually, I became romantically involved, and still, my primary source of information about the female sexual experience was porn. I was completely lacking any awareness that a man has a responsibility to express love to a woman during sexual relations by considering her feelings and desires, not just receiving consent and then satisfying his own urges using her body as a tool for pleasure.

Those were difficult lessons to unlearn, and I wonder sometimes if that relationship would have lasted longer, or at least ended on better terms if I had not had to learn those lessons after beginning the relationship.

Related: 50 Good Reasons to Stop Watching Porn

I definitely plan to educate my sons so they can avoid hurting women they love during sex and know that even if a woman says yes, it is better to take it as a no (but never the other way around) if the balance of pleasure is not tipped at least slightly in the woman’s favor, and to focus first on her pleasure over their own.

Today, I have a wonderful wife who loves me and is so patient with me.

We have love, and no porn affects in our relationship. But it’s taken time, and I’ve learned a lot along the way.

–J.

Lopsided pleasure featured in most porn

Porn is primarily produced for entertainment purposes, not education, but the ideas porn sells are not conducive to a healthy understanding of sex, sexuality, or mutual pleasure.

In fact, research confirms that women are the targets of aggression or violence in porn about 97% of the time,Fritz, N., Malic, V., Paul, B., & Zhou, Y. (2020). A Descriptive Analysis of the Types, Targets, and Relative Frequency of Aggression in Mainstream Pornography. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(8), 3041–3053. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01773-0Copy 1 and that only 18.3% of women in popular porn videos (compared to 78% of men) were shown to reach climax.Séguin, L. J., Rodrigue, C., & Lavigne, J. (2018). Consuming Ecstasy: Representations of Male and Female Orgasm in Mainstream Pornography. Journal of sex research, 55(3), 348–356. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1332152Copy 2

Related: Pornhub’s 2021 Annual Report Reveals This Year’s Most-Watched Porn Categories

Many young people’s expectations regarding sex have been affected by porn without even realizing it.

As one young woman related to us when talking about being sexually intimate with her partner:

“We were having sex when, out of nowhere, he spit on me. I didn’t know how to react. He was embarrassed when he saw that he wasn’t getting the reaction he was expecting…. What he’d seen [in porn] had created unrealistic expectations for what sex would be like. He saw people do things to each other and get certain reactions, and assumed they’d transfer into real life.”Fight the New Drug. (2019). True story: What porn taught my husband to do during sex . Retrieved from https://dev.fightthenewdrug.org/what-porn-taught-my-husband-to-do-during-sex/Copy 3

Clearly, porn is not a quality tool to learn about sexual pleasure especially mutually satisfying sex. So if it’s not teaching consumers how to be good, respectful partners who are mutually interested in pleasing the other, what is it really teaching? Nothing positive or healthy, that’s for sure.

The research is clear—porn can warp consumers’ ideas about sex and relationships. But the good news is that we can limit those negative effects by raising awareness on this issue, especially to young people. So let’s refocus on healthy relationships and reject the toxic narratives porn perpetuates. Let’s consider the facts before consuming.

Taking sex tips from an industry that profits from fake (or nonexistent) orgasms is like getting culinary advice from someone who has never cooked a meal. Definitely not recommended.